Holiday Edition

What follows is a holiday message posted exclusively for the world-wide audience of Planet America: Both of you probably know the profile section of this blog exposes me as an employee of the U.S. Postal Service. You’re also likely aware that Christmas in America simply isn’t possible without the Post. No doubt a boost to the ego. But since I’m the one delivering all of this stuff I have little time for gift-buying and merry-making of my own much less pecking out articles for Planet America. Therefore, at the Official Planet America Christmas Party I announced that I’m sending the entire staff, Argus and myself, on hiatus until the New Years hangover has decimated. (Okay, so sitting at home killing off a bottle of Kentucky's best while the mystery mutt, Argus, drinks as much Guinness as is given him may technically not qualify as a Christmas party but, in the parlance of our times, that’s how I roll.)

This brings me to the crux of this holiday message: Fuck Santa Clause. That fat bastard gets all the credit for the labor of the proletariat, i.e., me. I guess he... kids, cover your eye-drums... is too busy not existing to bring you your Christmas Crap. Another myth perpetuated by Mass Media. Jusso ya know, it takes a bit more than a twinkle of the nose to deliver those packages, cards, etc. folks wait to the latter half of December to cram into a mailbox, flag raised. Really the only thing keeping me from ‘going postal’ is time restraints. By the time I would’ve gotten off work, made my way to Crack City Pawn and waded through half of the form-filling to begin the pre-requisite ‘waiting period’ I would’ve cooled to a simmer. I sit here yet another victim of the Brady Bill. Should the FBI be reading this I feel obligated to clarify as to the amount of sincerity contained in the above reference to my ‘going postal’: I’m completely serious.

Upside being that, also due to lack of time, I’ve existed in a pleasant, rose colored bubble induced by the phenomena I refer to as a Self-Imposed Media Blackout. Tragically I’m without both cable TV or internet at home which does help. Still, it's only a matter of time before the ubiquitous nature of the Mass Media robs me of the bliss with which ignorance is so often associated. Until the bubble bursts happy New Year and don't forget to tip your bartender.